I signed up for a workshop on creating a miracle at the Mile Hi Church in Denver.  (This is a Church of Religious Science, based on the theology of Ernest Holmes, and mirrors my belief system).  I thought, “how can it hurt to perhaps learn something about creating miracles?”  Well, apparently I didn’t read the fine print (that’s always been a problem for me), and this workshop was based on AA and the 12 Steps!

I sat there waiting for it to begin and looked at the various attendees.  I wondered, are these people all recovering alcoholics and drug addicts?  I caught myself making judgments like I used to when I was going to NTL.  I remember the first day of the week long training when we first arrived.  As I would look around, I’d wonder, how do I fit in here?  I would make various assumptions and stories about the strangers around me.  I’d think, “I’ll probably really like this person when I get to know them, but THAT person, I just know I’ll not have anything in common with.”  Year after year this happened to me, until I would realize, oh yes, I remember how wrong I always was!

Today, I was in a similar place in my mind and I reminisced about those old  days at NTL and how significant that learning experience was for me, year after year.

I hoped that the workshop today would involve lecture alone because if I had to work in a small group, I’d fail because of my inability to speak.  So, I tried not to worry about that and settled in.  I knew that there are no mistakes and that there was a reason for my being there.

The speaker, a gorgeous black woman, began to talk about the fact that WE cause most of our own unhappiness, particularly when we find that certain people in our lives cause us endless pain.

She described the difference between anger and resentment.  Resentment is the story that we continue to obsess over; playing it over and over in our mind.  She explained that it is closely aligned with our core pain (we all have this, stored deep within).  At any rate, she said that other people are in our lives to assist us in healing our core issues of abandonment, feelings of not being enough, betrayal, and so on.  These people that we struggle with are really angels that have agreed to serve us before we come to each incarnation.

The real issue is to stop blaming these others, to stop telling our story to get others to sympathize, and to use this energy to heal our inner pain.  Wow!  This spoke to me as if she and I were the only people in the room.

I remember reading a book about Highly Sensitive People a few years ago.  It spoke to me.  The writer said that if you have always been told “oh you’re too sensitive!”  Then you probably are a ‘highly sensitive person’.  You wear your heart on your sleeve and your feelings are easily hurt.  As I listen to this speaker today I think, “If my core issues of abandonment, betrayal, insecurity, etc. are at work, then maybe I should pay attention and do my best to heal these.”

She asked for volunteers.  One woman walked up front and shared her story.  She told of how her son was taken from her when he was a little boy because of her drinking and drugging.  Now, he is sixteen and back with her, but she cannot forgive herself for behaving in such a way that she lost him.  Her tears were coming from a very deep place and suddenly my judgment was suspended.  I could see how deep her pain was and knew that if she couldn’t forgive herself, she would never realize inner peace.

I am reminded lately every single day that we are all one.  We come into this world with lessons to learn and it is hard.  We do our best and we often fail.  We continue on and on and on.  We learn and it is hard.  We all desire understanding, love, and a place for our being who we truly are.  In that place, we yearn for those we love to accept us, with all of our imperfections.

As my disease progresses, I note each new symptom.  The jumpiness, the nearly unintelligible speech (I left the workshop early when we were to be paired up to do some work), the choking especially when I am taking essential medications, the muscles that sometimes tighten up without warning, all of these are signs of it’s progression.  It is a gift.  The gift is to get down to what matters; to rid my mind of the superfluous chatter; unhealthy ruminations, all a waste of precious energy.  Love is what matters.  Finding an outlet for my voice which is silenced so often because it is just too much effort.

I am filled with delight that my hands are still able to type, and this avenue, this blog, while clearly a prime example of narcissism, it is also my way of expressing deep thoughts that are too difficult to express verbally these days.

My focus is shifting.  I look for signs of love everywhere.  I find it in the most odd places.  This is MY journey.  I wouldn’t trade it for it is mine to experience.  I accept it.