It has been a long week, full of ups and downs.  A malfunctioning bi-pap made breathing extremely difficult and evoked fear as I labored to pull in enough air.

I was exhausted after our trip and my long treatments.  Several days of almost complete rest and then the breathing difficulties started.  I was feeling very overwhelmed.

Prayer brings us many answers; sometimes they are surprising, and sometimes one has to follow various clues.  My answer to my “dilema” came soon after writing my last blog.

I have decided not to pursue the treatments.  Long ago, I accepted my terminal illness.  There is no cure for ALS, and although it is appealing to imagine being able to feel better for a longer period of time, there are no promises.  It took a long time for my muscles to become as tight as they are in my neck, shoulders and back.  Sometimes, it hurts, but, most of the time the only negative part is holding my head up.  I know that is a big deal!  However, I have learned how to live with it.

I want to enjoy the peace and serenity that I can create in my life.  My patio has become a kind of sanctuary, as the lilac bushes have grown tall, there is a great deal of privacy.  I can be there with the birds and my dog Mollie, a good book, listening to my fountain.  It is lovely.

I find it challenging at this moment to feel peaceful.  The residue of the angst of not being able to breathe adequately has left me in a jittery state.  Typically, I am calm, but today I am anxious and irritable.  I don’t like feeling that way, although I know it is a normal state for someone in my situation.  I prefer feeling peaceful  and loving and accepting, but at this moment in time, I am struggling.  However, having said that, I must include the following.

The AIS technique is one that I would highly recommend to people with athletic injuries, as well as other muscle related health problems.  Some neurological problems are ameliorated by this treatment, with a highly skilled practicioner.  I would also recommend the clinic in Florida that Aaron Mattes runs.  He has a history of healing many issues, including helping people with Parkinson’s Disease.  All of the information is available through Google.

For me, at this stage of my illness, I choose comfort, nurturing, warmth, loving touch, ease.  It is a good fit for me at this point in time, in my life.  After reading my last blog, my son wrote: Just follow your heart, Mom. 

Mollie is learning to go out with me, as I ride the scooter.  She leads the way, tail up, prancing around our little neighborhood.  When I feel that she is ready, we will venture out to the larger neighborhood, where she always enjoyed walking and slipping into the canal, in the hot summer months.  In the meantime, we shall keep our little circle small, and she will be rewarded with bits of cheese.

In an effort to be intentional about shifting my mood, I will don a sunhat, get on the scooter with iPad in the basket, and Mollie up ahead, and have a toodle around.  I hope I will see favorite neighbors to chat with along the way and Mollie will seek out a shady spot under a tree. 

Urging you, dear readers to be mindful of what you need at any given moment.  Rather than pushing a little harder to get just one more thing done, sit back and think:  is this what I really want to be doing now?  Choose what gives you peace, satisfaction and feelings of hope.  Just allow yourself to be still and be choiceful about what you will do.  My guess is that if it can include nature, or loved ones, you are on the right track, but only you know what is best for you.  And, trust me, you only need to hear your inner voice.  That voice will lead you to what affirms you, brings you to life.  Enjoy!